Monday, 9 April 2018

Grieving a suicide

Recently I've started seeing a counsellor at Oogachaga again. I'm trying to deal with the grief brought about by my dear friend who killed herself not too long ago.

Earlier, as I climbed into bed and was trying to sleep, I inexplicably started crying again.

Here was a friend, quite like me, bubbly and out-going, who just decided to end it all.

The reason why I'm seeing a counsellor is that I fear that I would eventually do the same.

The chant that keeps ringing in my head these days is this:

"The church is not a safe place for gay people."

"The church is not a safe place for gay people."

"The church is not a safe place for gay people."

On and on this mantra goes.

From pastors who make unqualified comments about gay parents in church to cell group leaders who tell members that they should "love the sinner, not the sin", to finding out that good friends from church are part of WAAPD, I've had enough with the institution that calls itself a church.

Yet, it still beckons.

Perhaps it's my idealistic mind. That it was Jesus that tells us to love our neighbours, even our enemies.

Did he really say that?

Then someone will come along and tell me that they're telling me the "truth" out of love for me.

What utter and complete BS.

I've never seen a Christian tell a divorcee or someone who's had an abortion, or an obese person, or someone with an anger management problem, or a materialistic person that their "lifestyle" of lust, and of gluttony, and of anger, and of sin was wrong.

All in all, I think it's better for me and the people around me that I keep myself alive instead of dead, so I'll probably avoid certain people and places for the time being until I'm well enough to cope with more.

Where I belong

At my first church, I felt like I was part of a family. Until it wasn't. A guest pastor had come from New York and made a homophobic...