"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross & follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."
I just came back home after dinner and coffee with two other friends after remembering and talking about our friend who killed herself recently. We all met in the support group I attended so this loss was particularly sad for me.
During the meeting, my friend brought up a good point. She said that we should do everything we can to maintain our sanity and not kill ourselves.
That made me realise that I probably shouldn't keep attending a church that demonises people like myself.
Then my ministry leader texted me and asked me if I'd like to come to church with them this Sunday.
"I dunno," I replied.
And I came home and got a postcard from a close friend with the verse from the beginning of this post.
It made me wonder if for me, if I lost my life, taking up my cross and following Jesus and denying my gay desires, if that would forward the gospel.
I sometimes have thoughts of ending my life too.
I once read somewhere that a trans Christian, when reaching out for help to a friend of mine, once asked, "Should I kill myself and die as a girl and go to Heaven, or live and transition to become a guy and end up in Hell?"
This is so tragic and even though I'm not trans, I have an inkling of how that feels.
As I type I can't believe that I can get any sadder than what I was earlier, so I guess I'll end my post here.