Friday, 19 January 2018


"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross & follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."
Mark 8:34-35

I just came back home after dinner and coffee with two other friends after remembering and talking about our friend who killed herself recently. We all met in the support group I attended so this loss was particularly sad for me.

During the meeting, my friend brought up a good point. She said that we should do everything we can to maintain our sanity and not kill ourselves.

That made me realise that I probably shouldn't keep attending a church that demonises people like myself.

Then my ministry leader texted me and asked me if I'd like to come to church with them this Sunday.

"I dunno," I replied.

And I came home and got a postcard from a close friend with the verse from the beginning of this post.

It made me wonder if for me, if I lost my life, taking up my cross and following Jesus and denying my gay desires, if that would forward the gospel.

I sometimes have thoughts of ending my life too.

I once read somewhere that a trans Christian, when reaching out for help to a friend of mine, once asked, "Should I kill myself and die as a girl and go to Heaven, or live and transition to become a guy and end up in Hell?"

This is so tragic and even though I'm not trans, I have an inkling of how that feels.

As I type I can't believe that I can get any sadder than what I was earlier, so I guess I'll end my post here.

Where I belong

At my first church, I felt like I was part of a family. Until it wasn't. A guest pastor had come from New York and made a homophobic...