Thoughts of suicide

Today a gay Christian friend of mine told me that if he were ever to kill himself, in his own words, he'd "hang himself in the church toilet" to make a statement.

It's the third time in as many days suicide has been in my mind.

Yesterday a friend in Australia alluded to it for reasons unbeknownst to me.

The day before that I was super upset about the tension of holding on so tightly to my faith, and yet being created to be someone like myself - queer.

That night I was crying out to God, "Take me, take me already, won't you?"

It was hard.

I have a feeling when pastors counsel their gay Christian members, they don't see us as any different from the person watching porn, or one committing adultery. Which is all fair and good, all sins created equal (although I don't agree and that's a post for another day).

But how many can comprehend the deep hatred we have within ourselves, cultivated over years of internalised homophobia set in place by the church?

The place where it's supposed to be a refuge for the weak?

Jesus, help us Lord.

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