Saturday, 9 April 2016

How my day in church led to this rant

I was in church earlier today and as the congregation was singing along, I felt the Holy Spirit gently impress in my heart and He whispered, "This is your family."

How strange. It was the third time within the span of a year.

As I dwelt upon what it meant, I wondered if the church was an abusive family.

I now know why people continue staying in abusive families, because they are after all, family.

Consider the time during a certain cell group meeting where we were paired off and tasked to discuss "popular" sins. I felt uneasy even as I discussed how pride might be an issue. Later on, as my cell leader picked a member to share his thoughts, I cringed internally as he confidently declared, "Homosexuality."


So I was a sin.

That was simply terrific.

What took the cake was how every single one of us, including me, sat in polite silence as we listened to him. Then we moved on with the sermon.

We moved on. With nary a word of dissent. (Yes, I am extremely passive-aggressive as you can clearly see.)

If even our leaders are complicit in (silently) endorsing such comments, I don't see why LGBT people are avoiding the church in hordes.

Consider the time when a highly regarded guest pastor made a transphobic joke that made the entire congregation laugh.

I was taking none of it and just walked out of service.

If 1% of people are trans, in my megachurch of 20 000, you can do the math of how many people suffer from some form of gender dysphoria. I don't know which was sadder, the fact that he made the joke, or the complete silence from the senior leadership after that particular sermon was preached.

Perhaps due discrimination of this nature, I am not openly out about my new Side B relationship with a certain someone. Especially with Christians. For the uninitiated, a Side B relationship is one that is celibate - read more about the Side B stance here.

Because what good would it do? Would they be happy and celebrate with me the way they do when heterosexual couple gets together?

I was once at a service where they served communion by hand and as the pastor gave the wafer dipped in grape juice to each couple, he prayed for them (he didn't pray for the singles) and I wondered if he'd pray for a Side B couple. Probably not. And I sighed internally.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just put myself out of this misery. This might be due to this issue among other things. And before you jump on me, I am seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist and even a counsellor. And they are three separate people. They are doing an excellent work because look, I am still alive! Wow.

But at this point in time, I'd hold the thought as it would probably traumatise not only my partner but also my students and my close friends in church.

Ah well.

The life of a gay Christian.

Jesus did say that we each have our cross to bear.

Paul did say that we are to go through various trials. And that tribulations bring perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope.

Alright then.

Well, I shall just enjoy the little things that God's created for us to enjoy.

Like a double, tall, iced cappuccino.

Like that sunflower stretching out toward heaven.

And also, like that lovely person speaking to gay people "in love".

Till then, good bye and take care.

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