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It’s 3:15am and I’m awake and typing away because I figured I would be better off churning out a blogpost instead of crying myself to sleep and risking having swollen peepers tomorrow morning.

Why the misery?

Holy matrimony.

Bright and early this morning, I attended my dear friend’s wedding at my church and began thinking about my crush all through the service. Thoughts of her evolved into how if I were ever to have a same-sex marriage (which I wouldn’t), there probably wouldn’t be as many friends and family around to celebrate as compared to if I were to have a regular heterosexual marriage.

Then, I started thinking about how, even if I were to have a celibate same-sex relationship, how it would be met by opposition by many Christian leaders and friends. If I could find someone willing to be my partner in the very first place. I think that would be the greatest obstacle of all.

Whirring round and round the thoughts came and went, making me ever more depressed.

It would be nothing short of a miracle, and I am not exaggerating, if I were to get married to a guy. This is probably the source of all my misery. But honestly, what is wrong with same-sex love?

Sigh.

If only I weren’t a Christian holding onto traditional biblical values.

Lying in bed, I started thinking about my crush all over again and how she doesn’t seem to be interested in me. I guess I’ve fallen for another straight girl yet again. How can I stop doing this?

It doesn’t help that in this Christmas season, Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you” is playing almost everywhere, triggering the same thoughts of my crush over and over and over again.

I think I feel better now. Writing is so cathartic. 


Perhaps I’ll read some haikus to calm myself down before attempting to sleep again.

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