Saturday, 19 December 2015


It’s 3:15am and I’m awake and typing away because I figured I would be better off churning out a blogpost instead of crying myself to sleep and risking having swollen peepers tomorrow morning.

Why the misery?

Holy matrimony.

Bright and early this morning, I attended my dear friend’s wedding at my church and began thinking about my crush all through the service. Thoughts of her evolved into how if I were ever to have a same-sex marriage (which I wouldn’t), there probably wouldn’t be as many friends and family around to celebrate as compared to if I were to have a regular heterosexual marriage.

Then, I started thinking about how, even if I were to have a celibate same-sex relationship, how it would be met by opposition by many Christian leaders and friends. If I could find someone willing to be my partner in the very first place. I think that would be the greatest obstacle of all.

Whirring round and round the thoughts came and went, making me ever more depressed.

It would be nothing short of a miracle, and I am not exaggerating, if I were to get married to a guy. This is probably the source of all my misery. But honestly, what is wrong with same-sex love?


If only I weren’t a Christian holding onto traditional biblical values.

Lying in bed, I started thinking about my crush all over again and how she doesn’t seem to be interested in me. I guess I’ve fallen for another straight girl yet again. How can I stop doing this?

It doesn’t help that in this Christmas season, Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you” is playing almost everywhere, triggering the same thoughts of my crush over and over and over again.

I think I feel better now. Writing is so cathartic. 

Perhaps I’ll read some haikus to calm myself down before attempting to sleep again.

Reflections on my friend's suicide (8 months on)

Photo by  Kat J  on  Unsplash In 2 days' time, it'll be 8 months since the day she passed. And tonight, instead of falling aslee...