Scattered thoughts on a rainy day

Two nights ago I was in the train wondering if I should go to a gay bar after Church-wide Bible Study. It seems like every time I have a crush that would not resolve, I would want to go to there, despite clear instructions from God not to do so.

Well, there has been a recent workplace infatuation that has completely replaced the previous one. The worst thing is that I've only seen her once and I'm completely besotted. Now having read Timothy Keller's The Meaning of Marriage, I do understand that it is an image I am infatuated with, not the real person. This understanding does not make it any easier.

So just this past Wednesday, I was grappling with this workplace crush, and my tragic gay Christian life. And a word from my senior pastor changed my perspective 180.

It was incredible.

The Church-wide Bible Study was on the topic of the end-times, but it wasn't really that that captured my attention. I arrived extremely late, half an hour before it was scheduled to end, but in the ending prayer, Pastor Kong mentioned how he and his wife Sun were often encouraged by Galatians 2:20,

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

I started tearing up. All the fantasies and crushes, all the unfulfilled desires and unrequited longings didn't seem so important anymore. I was crucified with Christ. Everything made sense now.

It wasn't the first time hearing this, but it was an excellent and timely reminder. I probably need to hear it again soon. Indeed faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.

I left church feeling so much more at peace and settled. Whether I enter into a mixed-orientation marriage, am celibate, or invest in a chaste same-sex relationship, God is ultimately in control and I do not have to give in to the demands of my flesh just because I've been crucified with Christ.

Thank you Lord.

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