Someone once mentioned to me that I crush on people very easily. From my experience in the past 5 years, I cannot help but agree. For the uninitiated, “to crush on” refers to me becoming infatuated with someone, as opposed to “crushing something (like a can)”. The word “crush” has certainly evolved, like many other words in the English language.
This post will mainly be dwelling on my crushes, the implications, and how I intend to deal with them going forward.
Well, how many have I crushed on? Let me count the girls.
There was J. that I wanted so badly in 2010 when I was pretty sick. She was the first and only one I confessed my feelings to and who then suddenly disappeared from my life (which was not necessarily a bad thing - I think God was, and is, gracious).
This was followed by S. that was a year long thing in 2011. There was a poem I wrote on the train home after a meeting with her.
Then came L. that lasted for a really short while.
Which was replaced by C. in 2013 that was so all-consuming that even when I was doing Pilates and trying to relax, my mind could not help but find its way back to her. It was terrible.
Then A. appeared which was lovely because she was a devout Christian and the first one since J. that wasn’t completely straight.
Finally we have E. today of whom I’ve only met with twice. This one is refreshing because I’m actually interested in her as a person (not that I wasn’t for the others, but I felt it was more of an hopeless case of besotted fantasies). I wonder what I would discover about her through conversations we could have and meals we could share. She seems really interesting.
Timothy Keller said in “The Meaning of Marriage” that often what we are in love with is the image of the person instead of who the person truly is. He goes on to explain that that’s the reason why marriages break up after a while, because there is a lack of true commitment to the concept of marriage and it is to falling in love that people subscribe to, and once that happy feeling is gone, poof, the marriage is gone.
So yes, I do admit that it generally is the image of the person I’ve set up in my mind that I’m infatuated with. But I cannot help it. I don’t know why it happens and I am unable to control it. So when someone once told me, “You told me you like guys too,” and attempts to get me to focus on that instead of fixating on girls, that person didn't realise that the intensity of “liking” is different. I like apples and I ADORE chicken rice. One of them is a preference, the other is a non-negotiable necessity. That’s the way for me. I like boys like I like apples, and I like girls like I like chicken rice. Though I must admit that these analogies are not the best nor the most appropriate. Haha, it’s all I can come up with for now. ;P
In any case, I shall wait for this latest crush to pass like the rest of them have. Of course, I will not discount the possibility of a friendship developing. Or even something more than that. I have often wondered how a chaste same-sex relationship would look like, having first come across this concept from the folks at A Queer Calling.
Well, 6 crushes in 5 years is some sort of a record I believe. They have been completely consuming, intense and were what convinced me that I am gay, or at least bisexual but heavily leaning toward the same sex. A friend once encouraged me, “Doesn’t it make life more interesting?”