Now that the all-consuming crushes have faded away and with no one new on the block, I have been wondering about my sexuality quite a lot and the impact it has on my faith (as you might have read in a previous post). So as I walk along the street to get somewhere, I'd inevitably think about why I am gay, how finding a partner and being celibate would be like, how I would be in a mixed-orientation marriage with a guy, wondering what if... what if... what if...
Then I would spend time online reading about celibate gay Christians on Spiritual Friendship. Then I would read about other gay Christians, some single, some attached to their partners, and some married in a mixed-orientation marriage on their blogs. I recently trawled and finished the entire excellent blogs of three of them - Seth Crocker, Stephen Long and Disputed Mutability.
I also follow others on tumblr, read lots of books on Christianity and sexuality, and read about all things LGBTQ on the Internet.
A couple of weeks ago, I felt like it was getting too much. As Timothy Keller succinctly put it in "Prayer - Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God",
"To discover the real you, look at what you spend time thinking about when no one is looking, when nothing is forcing you to think about anything in particular. At such moments, do your thoughts go toward God?"
I felt like I ought to focus my thoughts on God more.
I tried taking a week off tumblr and a week off my gay thoughts, but found that impossible to do.
So, I did what every believing Christian would, I asked God to help me focus less on LGBTQ stuff and on him in my thoughts and in what I read.
And as I prayed, I heard the softest whisper from Him saying, "They are important too."