Friday, 22 May 2015

On gay identity

It's a good thing I didn't post this when I wanted to and waited till now to do so. But perhaps it's all arranged by God. I don't know.

Anyway, I've recently been thinking a lot about my identity. Or rather, how my gay identity and my identity as child of God can be possibly be integrated. Or not.

As I was praying two weeks ago, I felt like God gave me a verse, of which I've since memorized and it was this:

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:14

Wow. I don't usually have a knack from memorizing Scripture, but this verse really stood out to me. Now let me elaborate.

If I am gay, and if that is disordered, how can I be fearfully and wonderfully made? And if I am not, then I cannot praise God can I? But I know and I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Then how do I reconcile my gay identity with that then? Should I celebrate it then? But I can't bring myself to do that.

And so round and round and round these questions kept on going in my head. For a week.

So I shared them with Ian, a friend from my support group. And he said that if you see yourselves as "damaged goods", then that's that, you can't see yourself as fearfully and wonderfully made. But I couldn't help it? What was I to do?

I had the brilliant idea of heading to the excellent blog, Spiritual Friendship, founded by Wesley Hill and Ron Belgau and keying the words "gay identity" in their search bar. This yielded several good posts but none which addressed my issue.

Then I shared with my dear friend A and her husband T about this. And T said something that levelled the ground for me a little. He said, and I paraphrase, that you are expecting to be perfect when God said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, but we are not perfect.

That made perfect sense to me.

But still, the questions lingered.

And then today, near the end of cell group, as we were worshipping, I was thinking about Vicky Beeching and how she said that God's a mystery. This was after thinking about the conundrum I've shared about earlier. Then S. who I barely knew, and whom I'm not out to, and knows about none of all that I've mentioned, came up to me and offered to pray for me for no apparent reason. I accepted and was completely blown away by the accuracy of her prayer.

I don't remember all of it, but one thing that stuck was this:

The secret things of the Lord belong to the Lord.

And that nailed it for me.

After the prayer, I was like, "What just happened?"

And I felt God whispering in an inaudible voice, "That was me child," giving a big grin as he did so.

Well, so right now, I don't have the answers to my questions, but I don't feel like I need them anymore.

Thank you Lord.

Where I belong

At my first church, I felt like I was part of a family. Until it wasn't. A guest pastor had come from New York and made a homophobic...