Saturday, 3 May 2014

Kinsey and me

I am 4.8 on Kinsey. How do I know that? Simple. 80% of my crushes and fantasies are on girls. And the remaining 20% on guys (this is based on a sample size of my 10 most recent crushes, 8 were female, 2 were male). Actually, I don't identify as lesbian, straight or gay. I am just me. My own label I have for myself is that of a "Child of God".

But labels help people understand me. So on this blog, I call myself gay. Because that's what society calls people who are attracted to those of the same-sex. I don't quite like how "lesbian" sounds, that's just me, and "queer" just doesn't click with me, and the churchy "same-sex attracted" is too much of a mouthful. Moreover, when you go, I have "SSA" it sounds like some sort of disease, and I bloody hate acronyms. So gay it is.

Anyway, a gay Christian is a happy Christian.

Get it?

Okay, maybe not, but moving on.

My cell leader (who most likely has not encountered Kinsey) obviously thinks that focusing on guys would make me more straight, and focusing on girls more gay. Well, I have no qualms with that only that I have been focusing on guys and have not straightened up. Instead, my (totally uncontrollable and unintended) crushes on girls this year has intensified. I have had 3 major crushes and all of them are female. And they are not just passing acquaintances but people I know and got to know rather well over a long period of them. Sadly, nothing happened. Sigh.

Ah well, life goes on. She says I need to have a vision for myself. I tried that for 6 months and then forgot about it. Too trying. Too many people have been asking me to "ask and keep on asking, knock and keep on knocking," not knowing that what I ask and seek might be diametrically opposite to what they want me to ask and seek for.

You know, having a vision of becoming an entrepreneur doesn't make you one. You gotta go out and do it. So in an effort to be straighter, I went out and asked a guy out. And we had a tiny date. And that was it. I was still as gay as ever. Don't you dare say I didn't try. I did. >_<

(Please note that I am a traditional girl and have only asked a guy out once. Just once recently. In the past few years, I have been on lunch date, dinner dates, concert dates with men but zilch. Nothing. No sparks. No chemistry. No fire. No interest. Haha.)

I probably would be asking God for a girlfriend, or at least someone closer than a regular friend I can relate to and share my problems with. She doesn't have to be a girlfriend. We don't have to sleep together. Just chat over coffee or tea; over prata and mee. Deepen the friendship over walks and jogs; over lemonade as she reads my blogs.

Rachel the Rabbit is just rambling on as usual. This blog needs to have more structure. Anyway, the main point today was that it's hard to label people who are somewhere on the spectrum on Kinsey. I can't just go, "Hey, I'm Rachel and I'm 4.8 on Kinsey!" like I go, "Hey, I'm Rachel and I'm Singaporean."

You get the idea.

So lay off the labels people. Unless they come out to you and label themselves. Then respect that they trust you enough to muster up the courage to do so. That they are willing to be so vulnerable and honest enough to share even though they risk facing rejection or people asking them to have a vision to be straight. At least in church.

Finally, you must think me I'm swinging back and forth on the issue of labels. I think it is generally easier to present a label to someone when you first encounter a new friend. I have chosen the three adjectives at the top of the masthead of this blog very carefully. But as the friendship deepens, I pray that you will begin to appreciate the nuances found in these labels and that you'll eventually tear down all these labels and see the person for who they are: A beautiful child of God.

Till next week. Adios.

Where I belong

At my first church, I felt like I was part of a family. Until it wasn't. A guest pastor had come from New York and made a homophobic...